![\"guo_pan\"](\"http:\/\/www.chinesepen.org\/english\/files\/2014\/12\/guo_pan.jpg\")
<\/a>Guo and Pan in happier times.<\/p>\nDarling, it\u2019s been twenty days already, and the lawyer still hasn\u2019t been able to see you, so I don\u2019t know how you\u2019re doing. I only hope that you are eating and sleeping well, and staying calm. Good or bad, we\u2019re in this together. As long as we are still alive, there is always hope.<\/p>\n
After you were taken away, I was thrown into a state of panic and confusion. Anxiety, anger, and worry followed, but now I have begun to calm down. Since you\u2019ve been gone, I\u2019ve gotten together with our friends many times; we\u2019ve eaten hot pot, even gone out to sing karaoke. But passing the time happily with friends, there remains a tiny voice in my heart asking, if you knew, what would you think? Would you feel angry, or lost, or relieved? Or would you once again \u201cpraise\u201d me for being heartless?<\/p>\n
Darling, don\u2019t be angry, and don\u2019t feel lost. I\u2019m acting this way because I don\u2019t want you to criticize me for indulging in self-pity. On top of that, our families and friends have been so good to me; it would be unreasonable for me to act half-dead around them. When I catch myself slipping into pessimism, I force myself to make positive plans, and life seems to become normal again \u2013 I no longer wake up in the middle of the night, or sit around in a daze during the day. Friends say that I\u2019m looking better and that my spirits have improved. Yes, just like we agreed in the past, I am trying to live passionately on your behalf. Only that way can I honor the exuberance with which you live.<\/p>\n
But without you, however normal life gets, there is a chill in a corner of my heart that I cannot warm up, no matter what I do. From time to time, it jumps out at me, reminding me that it still exists, and that it\u2019s important.<\/p>\n
Just like the other day in the subway station, when I came across a billboard advertising the November 11 Singles\u2019 Day sales,1 and I suddenly remembered that November 11 is the anniversary of our marriage registration! Because we\u2019d always celebrated our anniversary on the day of the ceremony, we\u2019d never paid any attention to the date of our registration.2 I chose November 11 to signify that we would be \u201ctogether for the rest of our lives.\u201d3 On the day we registered, the Forum on China-Africa Cooperation was underway in Beijing, and as usual, your movements were restricted, so we had to travel by police cab (a lot of roads were closed to normal traffic).4 We left the house at eight o\u2019clock and strode through the door of the Civil Affairs Bureau at nine \u2013 the auspicious times that mother had selected for us. After eight years, it\u2019s as though nothing has changed: an international conference, traffic control5 \u2026 apart from the fact that you aren\u2019t by my side.<\/p>\n
Then there was the other day. Under the vast, clear sky \u2013 so rare \u2013 I sat in the conservatory, watching the sun turn everything golden yellow and warm. The tall trees beyond our outer wall swayed in the wind like they were dancing. The world was silent apart from the rustling of the leaves. The scene was so overwhelmingly harmonious and peaceful that I fell into a reverie. I imagined that you had never left, and were just taking a walk down by the lake. The next moment, I seemed to hear your laughter from beyond the wall, and a while later, I saw your stocky figure coming in through the door, calling out, \u201cWife, I\u2019m back.\u201d I held onto this vision, and waited, but it didn\u2019t last \u2026 When I came around, it felt like everything had lost its meaning. What is life? What is love? In this world, there is only emptiness, so where did all these things that fill up our lives come from? In the end, the human realm is just a heap of yellow earth. What, then, can these pleasures and pains, joys and sorrows, amount to? Why should we care about them?<\/p>\n
Thankfully, this chill only lasts a short while. Yes, it is precisely because this world causes people to give up all hope that love is precious. And it is precisely because life is short and unpredictable that we must allow it to unfold naturally. You and I have always lived passionately, exuberantly. During this temporary separation, each of us must do our best to pursue that kind of life, so that when we next meet, we won\u2019t have outgrown each other. BY OTHER NEWS SOURCES ON DECEMBER 15, 20 … Continue reading
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